This past weekend, my future hubby took me to a cabin in the Bitterroot Valley to celebrate my 26th birthday. We loaded up the jeep, and the pup and snuck away for the weekend. I was so excited to see new sites, and take new photographs. Except when we got there, I was tired. Physically, mentally, and emotionally. I had no energy, and no desire to capture.
But how? In such a beautiful place, I was left feeling uninspired. I took 400 pictures of my dog, but when it came to my surroundings, I just couldn't capture it - at least not what my eyes saw. I became disappointed with what was coming through my camera. It seemed as though, the only thing I was capturing were my own frustrations.
I spent most of the weekend reading Wild, by Cheryl Strayed. I started reading this book last summer, but I thought this trip would be a good opportunity to dive back in. I sat in an plastic chair on our porch, that overlooked an open field with patches of tall grass, scattered pine cones, and pine trees, and read my book.
The sun scorched my skin, and the breeze blew through the porch, making the fly-aways of my hair tickle the back of my neck. I could breathe, but I couldn't help but feeling hollow at the same time.
In the silence of the breeze, I felt tired and disconnected from my surroundings. Disconnected from everything. It's as if I could feel people and things detaching from my soul. People and things who no longer brought value and goodness into my life. Twenty six is the year that weeded out the people who don't care about me from the people who truly do. I'd be lying if I said it didn't hurt. It's disappointing when the people who you think ought to be there for you or who have been a part of your life for so long, just disappear or never show up. But I've been here before. I've been in this place of change, where friendships die and family no longer pertains to blood or having the same last name. I should be used to this type of cleanse by now.
I'm getting married this year. Five months from now, I will become the wife to the most incredible man on this planet. This should be a happy time for us, except our engagement has been nothing short of a nightmare. Between shady wedding vendors, family feuds, and having to send out invitations purely out of obligation, I'm exhausted.
I'm tired of meaningless relationships, and I'm tired of people expecting something from me when they've not shown one ounce of support for me or my journey.
So, here's to twenty six. A year full of adventures with my man and our pup. A year of cleansing of people and things. A year of growth, success, and good health. A year of more meaningful relationships. A year of not endings, but beginnings. Cheers.